Is This Forever?
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I learn things not as cruel as what’s just happening this time. I open my mind learning about ABC, singing nursery rhymes, learning English language, Math, watching Looney Tunes, the Toy story, the Flintstones, SpongeBob SquarePants and other cartoon TV shows. I’m 18 now, I can’t imagine myself chatting about social problems that imply negativity, but I should have to be aware of those things and must face a new light of experience and I grasped that this is what really meant to me this time.
Perspectives
“…it is much tiring if I escape from those routine and responsibilities. The more I run from it, the more it chases me.”
Sometimes, I am thinking of taking sleeping pills to withdraw from the world and escape from my daily routine. I am wondering why I need to go to school early in the morning and be home late at night. I’m tired of this tiring cycle. I want to get rid of my boring schedule.
I have been keeping these thoughts for nearly seven years. I am exhausted of the same things all over again. I am tired of going through the current of the stream. Everything is planned out. Everyday is the same day. Everything is so predictable.
My day starts and ends like the previous day. I rush to school, perform my tasks and go home. Even my weekends are boring. My scheduled visits in the library and my Mock Board preparations are gnawing the strength out of me. I am so weary of everything. I did a lot of things but I accomplish nothing.
I was caged in box of routine. Then, it all became too much for me to bear.
I decided to put some spice in my life. I need some kind of thrill, of excitement. I revised my schedule. I decided to be lax. I came to school late. I did my assignments in class. I don’t study my lessons. I sleep in some of my classes. I broke free from the usual me.
I held on to this scheme for days but I barely survived the week.
On a Saturday night while I lay in my bed, I contemplated about my predicament. I realized that it is much tiring eluding from my daily responsibilities. The more I run from it, the more it chases me. When I looked back at the past and I wanted to get back to my old life. It dawned on me that I’d rather be busy than be lax. I’d rather be weird than happy-go-lucky.
I tried to change but it did me no good. Laxity may unload your baggage and bring you temporary happiness, but it brings more misery in the long run.
I examined my life, my routine, and my weakness. Then I thought about these words;
“Come to me, all of you who are tired from carrying heavy loads and I will give you rest. Take my yoke and put it on you, and learn from me, because I am gentle and humble in spirit; and you will find rest. For the yoke I will give you is easy, and the load I will put on you is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30)
After recognizing my heavy loads and Jesus’ yoke, I realized that my life has more to offer. My routine was not that bad after all. It was my attitude towards it. I know my hard work will pay off. I will succeed. When I’m feeling like I can’t go on, Paul said, “I have the strength to face all conditions by the power that Christ gives me.” (Philippians 4:13)
I want to be free. I want to be free from the lethargy my boring schedule. I want to get over my idleness. I long for the same enthusiasm for my studies. I want to go back to where I stopped on my journey. I want to persevere because I wanted to succeed in the future.
I know that I have to face more in my remaining two years in this institution. I do not know how long my motivation will sustain me to go on. I do not know what will happen next.
With this, I learned to appreciate the value of my time. I learned to make the best out of my time on Earth. I will not procrastinate anymore. I will not be lax especially in my toughest academic struggles. I am determined to break my bad habits.
I will always remember how my parents struggled to provide what I needed. I remember how they tried to give me the best encouragement in my lowest moments. When I look at them, I come to appreciate the opportunity they gave me.
I learned my lessons. Life is not a race. I don’t need to hurry. I might miss the beauty of my existence. I learned to cherish every moment, to see it as a gift from God. I am determined to never be deluded by my routine, but to use my time doing worthwhile activities.
Sleeping pills is not the solution to my problem, nor will it ever be. The best thing to do is to break free from the sloth in me and to make the most of my gift of time.
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In my search of effective friendship, I realized that listening and letting yourself remains in silent is an effective way of showing your care. I don't need to share my thoughts to let my friends know that I care. Sometimes, I end up thinking how apathetic I am in doing those things. I just listen. No reaction at all. I don't want to pretend that I know everything and let my friends believe in my so-called-drama-ever-advice. I'm just keeping myself at ease. When I don't want to speak, then I keep my mouth shut. When I don't want to be with them, then I tell them frankly. That's it. No mixtures of pretensions at all. Anyway, going back on what I have started. Yes, as what I am always saying "I love silence." I find satisfaction and comfort when I only listen. I just want them to feel that I care so much without knowing or saying what I feel. I want them to just say everything and I won't judge them. I want them to just feel how eager I am to be with them in times of their sadness. I want them to be at ease by securing that I am always be here. In my silence, I really mean a lot. Sometimes, my friends misunderstood me and let that drama-effect-whatever comes in again. No. I just want to listen. Realized things. Then, speak-up. It's just temporary, anyway. At the end, I'm glad I learned silence in my own way. No more masks to wear and no more pretensions to feel. Everything is pure, everything is alright. I can now assure my friends of my authenticity.
Ganito ba talaga ang buhay? Bakit sadyang kay lupit naman yata ang napunta sa akin? Hindi ko lubos maisip kung ang pagkakaroon ko ba ng laptop ay isang panaginip lamang o ang pagsuot ko ng mga Armanis na damit at pagmaneho ng Ferrari ay isang malaking kahibangan lamang. Naalala ko tuloy ang aking ina. Sabi niya magsikap daw ako upang maabot ko ang lahat ng aking inaambisyon. Ngunit hindi lamang basta-basta ambisyon ang lahat ng mga iyon. Kasama sa mga iyon ang aking pangarap na pilit kong inaabot hindi lamang para sa aking sarili kundi sa buong sanlibutan. Noong bata pa ako. Talagang mahilig ako mangambisyon. Minsan na ngang nagpatihulog sa hagdan ng paaralan para lamang magaya si Spiderman . Nawasak ang teacher's cabinet dahil pilit na maging si Batman . May pagkakataon ding tahimik lang para purihin bilang mabait na bata ng karamihan. Hay, sadya talagang mapaglaro ang mga pagkakataon sa akin. Ngunit, sa kabila ng mga iyon ay akin pa ring natanto na hindi lahat ng aking mga ambisyon ay makakabuti sa karamihan. Naisip ko rin na ang pagkakaroon ng labis na yaman ay walang bisa kapag hindi mo ibinahagi sa iba. Higit ka pa sa kanino mang pulubi sa buong mundo kapag hindi mo pinahalagahan ang disiplinang "pagbibigay ng kahit anuman sa iba kapag mayroon naman." Sa aking paglaki, hindi lamang disiplina at karunungan ang aking natutunan at nakuha. Sa mga taong nakapaligid sa akin aking mapapatunayan na nandoon din pala ang pagmamahal sa aking puso. Eh panu ba naman ako magkakaroon ng passion sa pagtulong sa world kung wala akong pagmamahal? Hahaha. Tama. Higit na mahalaga ang kabutihan para sa nakakarami. Noon, kung kaya kung masaktan para sa sarili kong kagustuhan. Ngayon, kayang-kaya kong isaalang-alang ang sarili kong kaligayahan para sa kapakanan ng karamihan. Tama nga ang sinasabi nila na hindi mahalaga ang materyal na bagay sa mundo. Siguro kung iniisip ko man noon na ang pagkakaroon ng laptop ay mahalaga ay dahil siguro sa kagustuhang makapantay rin sa kaklase. Bagkus, higit na mahalaga na mayroon kang buhay na matulungan at mabigyan ng bagong pag-asa. Ngayon, ayaw ko ng marinig pa ang sarili kong bunganga na magrereklamo sa buhay. Ika nga "enjoy life to the fullest without any what if's." Kaya ikaw. Easy lang. Don't worry. Be happy!